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The Pereiras
Mar. 24th, 2010
08:59 am - Living on Faith
This journal is long overdue for an update - something I have been meaning, but neglecting to do for a long time. I am hoping to start posting to this again on a fairly regular basis once again. In the meantime, I thought I would post an article Kara contributed to her latest MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) newsletter.
-Frank
Living on Faith
“Mommy, can we get Faith balloons for her birthday?” Jamie, my 5-yearold, asked me when we were in the store picking out a birthday cake for his sister.
Without blinking an eye, I said “Of course! She’ll love them!”
To most people who overheard us, there was nothing unusual about our conversation. We were preparing to celebrate my daughter’s 2nd
birthday. What most people don’t know is that while we celebrate her birthday on December 5th, we’re also celebrating the day she passed away. It may seem odd that we would buy Faith her own birthday cake- we even have her name written on it- but to us, it’s our way of remembering her and incorporating her into our family life. Jamie’s favorite part, of course, is the balloon release at the cemetery. He likes to say “Here you go, Faith!” as he lets them go.
When I was 20 weeks pregnant, we found out that I was carrying a daughter with a lethal genetic disease. How do you begin to process that? Where does that leave your faith in God? Where does that leave your relationship with your spouse and older child? I won’t lie- its rough. There’s a lot of questioning that goes on. How could God let this happen? Why our family? After praying so hard and waiting so long for this pregnancy, how can something like this happen?. The unfairness of it all manifested itself as rage that burned in me.
Here’s the thing about my marriage: when we face hard times, Frank and I tend to draw closer together to work through the challenge and support one another. This was what occurred during the following 17 weeks of my pregnancy and the weeks and months following Faith’s death. Does that mean we were always on the same page with our grief? No. Immediately after Faith died, I needed to go to the cemetery often, sometimes daily. Now two years later, I don’t “need” to go as much. There are times that Frank does, and I support and respect that
need. We’ve all heard that men and women grieve differently and that’s absolutely true. My husband can attest to the fact that just because he doesn’t mention her name as often as I do or look at her pictures regularly doesn’t mean he isn’t thinking about her daily.
So what about that faith in God? Immediately following Faith’s diagnosis, I did the only thing I could: I prayed. Oh, I prayed for so many things. I prayed for her to not be in pain. I prayed for time with her. I prayed that God would give Frank and I the guidance and peace to make the right decisions concerning Faith’s care. I will tell you this straight from my heart: I felt God’s presence like never before. When I felt myself losing control, all I would have to do is pray and I would feel a heavenly calmness come over me. We did get that time I prayed for. Most importantly, I’m at peace.
This year, we were blessed to celebrate the day with Faith’s younger sister, Elisabeth Hope. What a mix of emotions! I like to think that Faith and Elisabeth would have been the best of friends. Faith is no longer here on earth, but she is forever in my heart and waiting just on the other side for me. This I’m sure of.
- Kara Pereira
May. 13th, 2009
08:07 pm - A new addition
Jamie and Faith's baby sister, Elisabeth Hope, was born this morning at 9:16, weighing 7 lbs 15 oz and measuring 19.5 inches. Both Kara and Elisabeth are doing well. Thank you to everyone for their thoughts and prayers.
-Frank
Jan. 4th, 2009
10:55 am - Happy Holidays (a bit late) and an admission
I hope everyone had a nice holiday. The holidays can sometimes be a time of stress or of missing the ones we love, but I pray that everyone felt peace during the Christmas holiday.
This holiday season wasn't as hard for me as last season was, as we had just lost Faith a few weeks prior to Christmas. I still missed her, and I probably always will as that particular time of the year will always remind me of being pregnant with her, giving birth to her and then mourning her passing. This year wasn't nearly as painful- I remembered her in a happier way this year, as opposed to the grief-stricken way of last year.
Ok, so here's my admission. I haven't posted on this blog in a very long time. And there is a reason for that. Some of you probably already know this, though for some of you, this may come as a surprise. We're expecting again- in May. This has been a very difficult thing for me to even talk about. Not just on this blog, either. I have never in my life held such fear and anxiety about a pregnancy. Not even Faith's. I'm 21 weeks along and just told my in-laws a few weeks ago. It's not that I'm not happy about this pregnancy- I feel incredibly blessed, but I needed a lot of time to work through my fear and anxiety before I could even share with other people about it. I'm still very uncomfortable sharing our news with people.
Because of my history, I have had many ultrasounds- each one has made me sick with fear. I was afraid that it was my destiny to lose babies. It was just my destiny to have Jamie be an only child. How could I not think that? The past two pregnancies have brought increasingly more heartache and loss. And I was okay with only having one living child. Really. But I needed to give it one more shot before we decided to move past child-bearing and choose to move forward with our lives.
So here we are. I'm very happy to announce that we are expecting a HEALTHY baby girl sometime mid-May. Expecting another girl is...emotional. This girl can never be a replacement for Faith. Ever. But planning for another girl- well, actually getting to plan at all for bringing home a girl, which I'm just getting used to- it's hard. I have to seperate the rational thoughts from the emotional ones. Just because I bought some clothes for Faith doesn't mean I need to throw them away and buy new ones for this baby. That's just not rational. And if you know me, I'm all about the rational thoughts :)
So I'm sorry for all of you who might be hurt by this post- as I know quite a few of you are dealing with infertility and loss. I pray that you will be blessed with healing and joy in the weeks and months to come.
Dec. 6th, 2008
10:42 am - Remembering Faith
Sorry this is a day late...I couldn't seem to get my thoughts together yesterday.
So one year ago, my baby girl came almost silently into this world and minutes later, she left it. She never cried, never looked me in the eye. She barely moved. But I know she was with us for those few short minutes and I hope she knew she was loved and how much she is missed.
Yesterday we visited the cemetery with pink roses. Jamie let a pink balloon go so that Faith could "catch" it in heaven. He was very excited about her getting the balloon. We also got a small cake for her. Jamie liked the idea, but couldn't understand how she was going to eat the cake in heaven. I guess 4-year-olds don't understand symbolism too well.
It's been a pretty emotional week for me, Faith has been on my mind a lot. I can't believe it's been a year already. I can't believe it's ONLY been a year. Seems like she's been gone much longer, yet it feels like she just left. Someone once told me that when you lose a child, there a hole left in your heart. That hole never goes away, but somehow your heart grows bigger so the hole seems smaller, but it's always there.
Nov. 17th, 2008
03:48 am - Our legacy
Kara and I, along with a group of 5 other couples recently completed an 18-month Bible study called Role Builders, Inc (RBI) that was designed to help us grow in Christ and as a couple. It was a great experience that I believe God used to place some wonderful folks in our lives that He used to help us through a very difficult period; for it was not long after we started meeting that we learned of Faith's condition. The prayers and support we received from them were a definite blessing. (If any of our fellow RBI members find themselves reading this, we thank you again.)
As Kara mentioned previously, our final assignment was to think about God's will for the remainder of our time here on earth and how we'd like to be remembered once that time is over. We were asked to express those thoughts in a sort of eulogy that we could envision being read at our funeral (pretty morbid huh?). Anyway, that said, if it be God's will, Jamie would read something like this at our funeral -
Aug. 28th, 2008
11:09 am - My Summer
I've been really bad about keeping this thing up. I just don't really have a lot going on! I lead a very boring life.
We're coming up to the 9 month anniversary of Faith's birth and death. On every month anniversary, I think about what she would be doing at that particular age had she lived. At nine months, she would be devouring solid food and learning to crawl. She'd be following her big brother. Jamie would finally be able to play with her- he'd be such a good big brother. He tells me occasionally that he wants a baby to come live with us.
Other than that, it's been a pretty boring summer. We have taken a lot of road trips- New England and Maine, New York, Eastern Shore. It's been nice.
I am really ready for school to start. Jamie did swimming lessons and a week of camp at the community college. This last month or so has been a challenge with him. He's bored. I am his only entertainment. School starts for him next Tuesday. He will go M-Th 9-11:30. Then I signed him up for a multisport camp at the indoor sports center here in town. That's once a week and he does a different sport every week. Trying to keep him busy.
Since last Spring, I have had two friends move away- Jill and Debbie. I hate change. It's hard for me to adjust to new things or not seeing people.
For our last bible study meeting, we had to write our legacy. Like what would be said about us at our funeral. Sounds a little morbid, yes, but it was interesting. Frank wrote ours up and I will try to post that later.
Jul. 30th, 2008
11:26 am - One Year Ago
One year ago today I was sitting in the waiting room at the University of Maryland's Center for Advanced Fetal Care for a routine ultrasound to tell me whether I was having a boy or a girl. As we all know, that wasn't all we found out that day. We found out that our baby would not be coming home to live with us. It was the first time a doctor had ever said the word "termination" to me.
It's been almost 8 months since I had to say hello and goodbye in a matter of 10 minutes. Ten minutes that changed my life. Do I have any regrets? None. I mean, I wish I had more time with Faith. I wish that I could have heard her cry, had her sweeze my hand, had her look me in the eye. I'm at a place now where I'm content with the way things went. Under the circumstances, I couldn't have asked for any more than I received that day- after all, things turned out better than I thought. I didn't think Faith would survive the birth (in fact I didn't think she had- I was surprised when they said she was alive!). I got 37 weeks with my girl. I got to hold her as she passed from one world to another. What more could I have asked for out of such a horrible event?
I know that God was with me that day. This is how I know: I felt a calm come over me as soon as Faith was born. When they brought her to me, I wasn't hysterical or distressed. When she passed away, I calmly said to the pediatrician, "I think she is gone. Can I move this tube?" Call it shock, maybe the nurses administered me a little something, whatever. I feel that God was with me in my greatest time of need. In the days following, when I felt myself becoming distressed and losing control of myself, I asked God to help me, and He did. I felt a calmness. I had to rely on my faith in God more than I ever had in my life. This is why I'm sure my girl has the perfect name.
Jul. 9th, 2008
12:40 pm - Seven Months
Sorry I haven't posted since the 6 month update.
Seven months..wow. More than half a year has gone by now. Sometimes I can't even believe that this happened to me in the first place. It was something that I only read about happening to other people. It still seems surreal. No one talks about Faith anymore except us. Even when we bring her up, no one talks about her. It doesn't make me as angry as it used to because I've just come to accept the fact that we are her parents and though other people may forget about her, we never will. I will think about her until the day I die.
All this is not to say that her life was in vain. No way. She taught me so many things in her short life and I believe she was sent to me in order for me to learn those lessons. Yeah, sometimes I do get upset that it seems like everyone else gets to have healthy, living children, even crappy parents or people who have 17 and never lost one. I won't deny that the cheated feeling gets me. And that's something I'm working on. I ask God why those people get to keep their children and why I had to lose mine, and I got an answer: Because these are your lessons to learn, not theirs. Okay. I don't like it, but I can accept that.
If nothing else, I would want Faith to know these things: She was loved. She was wanted. She will not be forgotten.
Jun. 14th, 2008
08:12 am - Six Months
Lyrics:
"Something Beautiful"
[verse]
If you put your arms around me
Could it change the way I feel
I guess I let myself believe
That the outside might just
Bleed it's way in
Maybe stir the sleeping past
Lying under glass
Waiting for the kiss
That breaks this awful spell
Pull me out...of this lonely cell
[chorus]
Close my eyes and hold my heart
Cover me and make me something
Change this something normal
Into something beautiful
[verse]
What I get from my reflection
Isn't what I thought I'd see
Give me reason to believe
Never leave me incomplete
Will you untie this loss of mine
It so easily defines me
Do you see it on my face?
And all I can think about
Is how long
I've been waiting to feel you move me
[chorus]
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful
[bridge]
And I'm still fighting for the
Word to break these chains
And I still pray when I look
In your eyes, you'll stare right
Back down into something beautiful
[chorus]
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful
Into something beautiful
This song so aptly describes my feelings in regards to Faith and my own personal faith in God. Now everytime it comes up on my iPod, I think about Faith and my faith, all in a good way.
May. 10th, 2008
10:59 pm - What it means to be a mother.
So, what does it mean to be a mother? How would you define the word "mother?" I was thinking a lot about this tonight at the annual Mother-Daughter Banquet held at my mother-in-law's church.
This, being my first Mother's Day without my own daughter, I knew it was going to be hard. All the milestones are hard, the holidays, the monthly birthdays, the days of the week that end in the letters d-a-y; they all have their sad moments. Last year at the Mother-Daughter banquet, I was newly pregnant with Faith, a very exciting time for me, thinking about how I would bring her next year, all dressed up to be shown off.
Just like some of the new mom's were doing tonight. I forced myself to look at those babies and not look away out of sadness. To pretend that everything is okay and that it doesn't tear me up inside remembering that my baby is gone and what should have been.
After the dinner, all the ladies congregated to the church sanctuary to hear a short message and sing a few hymns. As I'm sitting in our pew, I see a woman with a baby about the same age Faith would be come into the room. Don't sit here, please don't sit here... She sits in the pew right in front of me, where I know I will have to look at her little one as he smiles and looks around, noticing all the lights and people. I feel myself getting angry, bitter even, at this baby's existence because he is here, healthy, and my precious baby girl is gone.
God, please help me to get through this evening..I need peace in my heart. Help me to not be bitter. Help me to only show love. I prayed with my heart. If anyone could help me, it was God.
A few minutes later, I just happened to glance down at the little one sitting one pew up and noticed he was staring me in the eye. As soon as I made eye contact, he broke out in the biggest grin. I started tearing up because that little smile is exactly what I needed. I needed it to remind me of what a precious gift life is. How every baby is a miracle. How every life is a miracle.
So what makes a mother? Giving birth to a child? Caring for a child through the good times and the bad? Giving a child unconditional love and guidance? Making sure a child has all his or her basic needs met? Sometimes. Absolutely. Yes. Check.
But to me, being a mother means knowing you would do anything and everything in your power to save a child from harm, even when you know you can't. When you know with every fiber of your being that you would die to save a child, that you would give to a child before gving to yourself.
I think one of the hardest parts that anyone has to face as a parent is when you try to do whatever you can to save your child, and you can't. There are so many of us out there who tried and couldn't, and to come to terms with that is one of the most difficult hurdles on this journey of loss.
So on this Mother's Day, I salute all you Mothers- mothers of living children, mothers of babies who didn't get the opportunity to stay on this earth, mothers who give wholly of themselves so that that their children will live a little better, and those mothers whose babies lived, no matter how short of a life, and made us mothers nonetheless. Bless you all.
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