Living on Faith

This journal is long overdue for an update - something I have been meaning, but neglecting to do for a long time.  I am hoping to start posting to this again on a fairly regular basis once again.  In the meantime, I thought I would post an article Kara contributed to her latest MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) newsletter.

-Frank

Living on Faith

“Mommy, can we get Faith balloons for her birthday?” Jamie, my 5-yearold, asked me when we were in the store picking out a birthday cake for his sister.

Without blinking an eye, I said “Of course! She’ll love them!”

To most people who overheard us, there was nothing unusual about our conversation. We were preparing to celebrate my daughter’s 2nd
birthday. What most people don’t know is that while we celebrate her birthday on December 5th, we’re also celebrating the day she passed away. It may seem odd that we would buy Faith her own birthday cake- we even have her name written on it- but to us, it’s our way of remembering her and incorporating her into our family life. Jamie’s favorite part, of course, is the balloon release at the cemetery. He likes to say “Here you go, Faith!” as he lets them go.

When I was 20 weeks pregnant, we found out that I was carrying a daughter with a lethal genetic disease. How do you begin to process that? Where does that leave your faith in God? Where does that leave your relationship with your spouse and older child? I won’t lie- its rough. There’s a lot of questioning that goes on. How could God let this happen? Why our family? After praying so hard and waiting so long for this pregnancy, how can something like this happen?. The unfairness of it all manifested itself as rage that burned in me.

Here’s the thing about my marriage: when we face hard times, Frank and I tend to draw closer together to work through the challenge and support one another. This was what occurred during the following 17 weeks of my pregnancy and the weeks and months following Faith’s death. Does that mean we were always on the same page with our grief? No. Immediately after Faith died, I needed to go to the cemetery often, sometimes daily. Now two years later, I don’t “need” to go as much. There are times that Frank does, and I support and respect that
need. We’ve all heard that men and women grieve differently and that’s absolutely true. My husband can attest to the fact that just because he doesn’t mention her name as often as I do or look at her pictures regularly doesn’t mean he isn’t thinking about her daily.

So what about that faith in God? Immediately following Faith’s diagnosis, I did the only thing I could: I prayed. Oh, I prayed for so many things. I prayed for her to not be in pain. I prayed for time with her. I prayed that God would give Frank and I the guidance and peace to make the right decisions concerning Faith’s care. I will tell you this straight from my heart: I felt God’s presence like never before. When I felt myself losing control, all I would have to do is pray and I would feel a heavenly calmness come over me. We did get that time I prayed for. Most importantly, I’m at peace.

This year, we were blessed to celebrate the day with Faith’s younger sister, Elisabeth Hope. What a mix of emotions! I like to think that Faith and Elisabeth would have been the best of friends. Faith is no longer here on earth, but she is forever in my heart and waiting just on the other side for me. This I’m sure of.

- Kara Pereira